Grief Recovery Myths

Top 10 Misconceptions I Hear About Grief

There are over 40 kinds of loss, including: death, divorce, life transitions (like graduations and moving), becoming empty-nesters, loss of faith, loss of trust in someone or something, loss of health or physical ability, loss of a feeling of safety and more.

This is, quite simply, a way that we deny our own reality. In GRM, we do not compare ourselves or our experiences to others or to some idealized norm. We catch our “shoulds,” correct them into statements of what we are actually experiencing and acknowledge the full reality of our own feelings.

While it’s true that time helps the healing process occur organically, there are effective actions we can take to make sure there are no lingering infections or structural problems. In our physical bodies, this is obvious. Clean-ups and repairs must be made for the body to heal properly. In our mental, emotional and spiritual bodies, these “infections” (misalignments, breaks, holes and irritants) are what make us feel incomplete and unable to let go of the past. Just waiting for time to pass, alone, will not heal us at these deeper levels.

It’s certainly your right to feel any way you feel, and it’s not my place to disavow you of that right. However, I know that what is holding a person in that belief has a purpose, and we can find a way to honor that purpose while easing your unhappiness. When we find things that are incomplete for you from a past relationship, I can show you how to get complete and let go of the pain.

I have found this to be incorrect on many occasions. People commonly experience a mix of complicated feelings after a loss. For those who have lost a “less than loved one,” there can be feelings of betrayal, frustration and anger if some kind of resolution was not attained while the person was still alive. They might believe there’s now no way to attain resolution. Another crucial point is that it is possible to move on and find great happiness and success after a profound loss. You are not a “bad” person if you stop displaying angst, sadness, regret, heartbreak or any visible evidence of your grief—you are human. Healing means being able to, once again, experience joy, intimacy, excitement, fulfillment and happiness, all while remembering and honoring (or forgiving and saying goodbye to) those who have left our lives. Sacred rituals are an excellent way to honor the past. Together, we’ll find the ways in which you have unfinished business that still needs to be heard.

Men in our culture are struggling and suffering under the restrictive burden of “manliness” our society has foisted upon them, generation after generation. The consequences of this include mass shootings, inappropriate sexual behaviors, manipulation, cheating, abuse and an intense need to control others, not to mention physical health degradation. It is part of my deepest commitment to show men how to embrace the fullness of their humanity, give them a place to own all their feelings without being judged as bad, immoral, weak or deviant, and to show them how to use emotions to enrich their lives, rather than to project their feelings onto others.

When I ask people if their grief followed the five stages, their answer is ALWAYS “no.” But then they think they are the exception to the rule—that there must be something abnormal or dysfunctional about them or something to explain why they couldn’t grieve the “right” way. I’m here to tell you, the “five stages” are certainly feelings a lot of grievers will feel, but they aren’t universal. For some, the stages might occur in a different order. Others may find themselves “stuck” in one stage for a long time or might not experience all the stages. There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t progress through “stages” of grief in some predictable way. What IS common among all grievers is that they have feelings, and they either feel complete or incomplete with what’s lost. This is where the Grief Recovery Method™ steps in to show the way.

For more information about where the “five stages” originated, see this Psychology Today article, and listen to this great Radiolab Podcast with guest, Rachael Cusick.

You know how M. Night Shyamalan and other horror directors keep us on the edge of our seats by NOT showing us the monster? This works because our imagination can create things way scarier than reality. We do the same kind of catastrophizing with emotions and feelings, because they are hidden deep under the surface of our everyday personas. It is possible to build tolerance and resilience to stronger and deeper emotions over time, eventually being able to allow and feel all emotions without judgment, fear or projection. This is a process that can be developed in depth psychotherapy and GRM, where you have the support of a nonjudgmental witness to guide you through the overwhelm.

This is typically heard in the medical community, where providers have been trained to repeat this false belief to their patients even though we now know it’s just not that simple. Every person’s grief reaction is different, depending on the quality and complexity of the relationship, the amount of time elapsed, the circumstances of the ending, how much unresolved grief already exists from previous losses and much more. Grief lasts until we feel complete—when we have made amends or forgiven fully and are ready to embrace the next part of life. The amount of time it takes to reach that point differs for every person, and medication is not a fix-all for emotional incompleteness. Medication can be a helpful lever on brain chemistry when needed to stabilize, ground, calm and be ready to face emotional incompleteness. I am not a doctor and neither advocate nor denigrate the use of psychopharmaceuticals. You and your psychiatrist can assess the level of dysregulation of your brain and whether medication could be helpful.

Most people have said this at some point and heard it from someone who cares about them. It’s a lovely sentiment to not want someone you care about to suffer. But telling them not to feel their feelings is one of the worst pieces of advice or guidance you can give them. Try an experiment: The next time you hear yourself saying, “Don’t feel bad (or sad, or angry, or lonely),” ask to retract that statement. Then say something like “You know what, feel exactly what you are feeling, and I’m going to stay right here and support you through it by listening.” Then (here’s the key), don’t leave! Don’t check out mentally, don’t give advice, don’t pity, don’t tell yourself you’re failing as a friend or parent, don’t get swept up in your own emotions. Stay fully present and curious about the other person’s feelings, let them describe it, let them pull out memories, let them get messy and confused and overwhelmed and whatever else they feel. Just don’t leave. (Note on boundaries: It’s OK to ask that person not to blame you or your actions for their feelings. It’s also OK to refuse to be bullied, harassed, blamed, denigrated, insulted, injured or abused in any way.)

Why Misinformation About Grief Keeps Getting Passed Down

Your feelings are normal and natural. The problem is that we have been socialized to believe that negative feelings are abnormal and unnatural. But the truth is that most people have a mix of feelings about any particular loss, and being able to express those emotions and feel heard and understood is essential to recovering from loss.

Why do people say unhelpful things? Why do we keep teaching kids to be afraid of feelings (their own and others)? Because it’s what we learned. Because it makes the listener more comfortable. Because it’s less awkward. Because there’s no easy fix or answer. All of this is the uncomfortable reality of life and loss. Let’s take a deep breath, lower the defenses against scary feelings and have faith that really listening and validating each other’s actual feelings is enough. It’s really enough!